20/20

Perfect eyesight. Able to see everything so clearly in front of you. 

I’m not 20/20, maybe 10/20, maybe lesser. Everything is blurred. Maybe from the tears, maybe something else. Why does one thing have to affect me so hard so long? I don’t want to keep living like this, being in the dark about all the positivity that I could have experienced. 

I want to be 20/20, I want to see the world clearly for all the beauty and happiness it possesses. 

unfeeling

Today, I am unable to comprehend anything that is going on in my life. I can’t tell if I am happy or sad or depressed or satisfied with the life that i am living as of now. It definitely is not where i thought i would be two years ago, but it is where i am now so i guess i would just have to accept it.

Today, i am feeling more empty than ever, for no particular reason. I think this accumulation of sadness just placed me in this spot, where i no longer know how to feel about everything. I try to make myself happy but everything is so short-lived i don’t even feel like trying anymore.

I question how good of a friend i am to others, how others perceive me, how i treat others, how i have lost so many friends. Maybe they weren’t meant to stay, but it still hurts thinking that i let them slip through my fingers.

I can’t feel anymore, maybe not ‘can’t’ but that i no longer want to feel anything that i should be feeling, because i know that at the end, all it will leave me is pain and depression and anxiety that no one, not even myself, will shower me with love.

Wonder

Sometimes I wonder why I had to meet you. I wonder why I had to fall so hard for you, why you had to give me hope that you would stay in love with me forever. I wonder why I was so stupid and vulnerable in forgetting that everything in this world is temporary. I wonder why I can’t let you go, why I can’t imagine how I would live each day without you by my side, why I keep holding on even though you already moved on and continued to love her. 

I wonder why I didn’t know you never truly had any feelings for me like I had for you.

Why? I want to let you go, but how? I wonder how. 

Maybe

Maybe I’m ok.

Maybe I don’t actually miss you.

Maybe I don’t want to be with you that badly.

Maybe you aren’t meant to stay.

Maybe I’m not supposed to hold on for so long.

Maybe I’m not supposed to want you to want me.

Maybe I’m not supposed to want you in my life.

But, maybe I am. Who knows? 

Maybe I do. 

colours

The sky is blue, the grass is green, the path to your house was grey yet bright and you were red. As red as the most vibrant red there was on earth, the reddest shade of red that represented all the love i had for you.

that day, i saw red, but a different kind, one that was much darker and murkier, one that reminded me of blood, blood from you hurting me.

I love you –i saw one strike of red

I won’t leave you- sadly, another strike of red

I won’t let anyone hurt you again- third strike.

I’m out. of your life. just like that.

Collide

The people around me got me thinking, how much do I actually love you?

Does it matter to me that you still love her while I love you? Yes it does. It pains me every single day, watching me give you all of me while you give her all of you. I never understood why some people won’t understand that effort does not equal outcome, until I became one of them.

Of course, I still know that outcome does not ensure you the outcome you want, but it’s painful, torturous, toxic on the mind. You see yourself everyday, putting in all the effort you can, while the other one loved just ignores the one you love, but the one you love still cares about the other.

What did I do wrong?

Maybe meeting you was just a collision, we met, head on. In that intimate moment we felt so much, but after everyone collision, people retreat. We separated, and now, I can feel you slipping away again.

Maybe holding on to you is just a mistake.

illusions

perhaps, this is all just an illusion?

Maybe, i don’t love you no more. Maybe, i don’t think about you every second. Maybe, i don’t wish to smell your hair, touch ur skin every time i see you. Maybe, just maybe, it’s all just an illusion in my head.

Maybe, this love i have towards you is nothing but an illusion, a lie.

But what if this is just another illusion of mine? Thinking that loving you is an illusion.

What is real? What is not?

After you, i really don’t know.

view

it’s all about your own view, on things that matter the most to you, on the things that you hate, on the things that make you scared, on the things that make you happy.

My view is blurred, blurring every event in my life, as if i can no longer see what’s going on, as if i no longer know what to feel. I’m scared, that you broke me. I’m afraid that you did, because i don’t blame you.

How do you blame the only person that has ever made you feel good about yourself? Even up till this date, you seem to be the only one who i can seek comfort in, the only one i constantly want to talk to and explore.

The view with you, of you, is great. Even though i dream to be with you, i need to stop dreaming.