Running through my mind is all the mistakes I’ve made, flaws I have, people I’ve lost, person I love. I can’t stop myself from thinking of all the darkness that looms over me. It’s as if, I can’t find any more light.
And it scares me. Scares me to think that years just keep getting worse no matter what I do, days keep getting darker no matter how hard I try to make it better.
I’m just not good enough
Maybe, maybe this is my endpoint. Maybe everything ends here. Maybe.
Once, there existed you and I. You were outgoing, cheerful, sociable, happy, optimistic. I on the other hand, pessimistic, antisocial, unfriendly, withdrawn.
There were times where you were more dominant than I, and vice versa. You brought happiness to others, while I remained the one that was always quietly thinking and feeling.
Then, you left. Disappeared without a trace. I miss you, I miss the us that was us. I miss the happiness that existed. Now all that’s left is I, just a negative, empty shell of a person that used to be more. I’m empty and lost.
I need you back, I need my other half back. I need to be complete again.
I’m an artist, carving the most beautiful works of art on the nearest canvas of available space. My form of art is one of secrecy and precision, one that conveys immense emotions through the simplest of actions. One that expresses how i really feel on the inside. There’s no hiding from my work of art because it is my source of comfort, my source of releasing all the bottled-up emotions within me.
If only people could view my art, so that they would understand me better, but i’m sorry, some forms of art are private. Maybe, you could pay an entrance fee of your love? Maybe then, I would open up.
It’s funny how I have more than one friend, but I only am genuinely close to two. And now that one of them is out of school, I don’t know what to do: she’s the closest person I have, my best friend, my real best friend.
Now I roam about the crowded halls with no one bothering to give me a second look, when in the past my eyes searched for the familiar face that I can no longer see in these congested pathways.
My source of comfort is gone. I’m alone.
Perfect eyesight. Able to see everything so clearly in front of you.
I’m not 20/20, maybe 10/20, maybe lesser. Everything is blurred. Maybe from the tears, maybe something else. Why does one thing have to affect me so hard so long? I don’t want to keep living like this, being in the dark about all the positivity that I could have experienced.
I want to be 20/20, I want to see the world clearly for all the beauty and happiness it possesses.
Today, I am unable to comprehend anything that is going on in my life. I can’t tell if I am happy or sad or depressed or satisfied with the life that i am living as of now. It definitely is not where i thought i would be two years ago, but it is where i am now so i guess i would just have to accept it.
Today, i am feeling more empty than ever, for no particular reason. I think this accumulation of sadness just placed me in this spot, where i no longer know how to feel about everything. I try to make myself happy but everything is so short-lived i don’t even feel like trying anymore.
I question how good of a friend i am to others, how others perceive me, how i treat others, how i have lost so many friends. Maybe they weren’t meant to stay, but it still hurts thinking that i let them slip through my fingers.
I can’t feel anymore, maybe not ‘can’t’ but that i no longer want to feel anything that i should be feeling, because i know that at the end, all it will leave me is pain and depression and anxiety that no one, not even myself, will shower me with love.
Sometimes I wonder why I had to meet you. I wonder why I had to fall so hard for you, why you had to give me hope that you would stay in love with me forever. I wonder why I was so stupid and vulnerable in forgetting that everything in this world is temporary. I wonder why I can’t let you go, why I can’t imagine how I would live each day without you by my side, why I keep holding on even though you already moved on and continued to love her.
I wonder why I didn’t know you never truly had any feelings for me like I had for you.
Why? I want to let you go, but how? I wonder how.
Maybe I’m ok.
Maybe I don’t actually miss you.
Maybe I don’t want to be with you that badly.
Maybe you aren’t meant to stay.
Maybe I’m not supposed to hold on for so long.
Maybe I’m not supposed to want you to want me.
Maybe I’m not supposed to want you in my life.
But, maybe I am. Who knows?
Maybe I do.
The sky is blue, the grass is green, the path to your house was grey yet bright and you were red. As red as the most vibrant red there was on earth, the reddest shade of red that represented all the love i had for you.
that day, i saw red, but a different kind, one that was much darker and murkier, one that reminded me of blood, blood from you hurting me.
I love you –i saw one strike of red
I won’t leave you- sadly, another strike of red
I won’t let anyone hurt you again- third strike.
I’m out. of your life. just like that.